Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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