Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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