i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
