The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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