My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
