I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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