when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
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and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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