He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
