I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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