i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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