I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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