I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
