I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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