She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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