I am spending my child support on dildos
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
