the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I've blown a few things in my day
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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