my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
