Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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