You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize