I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
