so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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