You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
