Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
BRING THE BAGELS
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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