if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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