I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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