I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I AM VODKA MAN
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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