Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
