how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
