Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
