Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
