Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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