someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
