Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
