Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
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Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
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