I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
