I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
