I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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