forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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