No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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