We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
