Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
