I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.