I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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