my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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