Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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