His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
