Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
don't judge my taste in strippers
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
