Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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