Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
