I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
