is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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