I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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