You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
