woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
it's great music for shaving your balls
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
