Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
